Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she does THAT and gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this!" and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy the asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year!"
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he's lying in bed with her and says, "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets a giant erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

A woman and a man are sitting in a cafe. The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a dollar. She holds it over her lap, snaps the dollar and asks, "What's this?"
The man puzzled answers, "A dollar."
The woman answers, "No, all you can eat under a dollar!"

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, When the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, " p..e..n..i..s".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
****PASSWORD REJECTED**** NOT LONG ENOUGH****

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story...a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring....

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own fucking blanket."

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," she replied.

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
"Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds."

Carlos calls his boss in the morning, "Ey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "You know, Carlos, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Carlos calls, "Boss, I did what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house."

In Melbourne, Florida one of the radio stations paid money ($100 to $500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $500.......I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning received a call from the doctor's office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 a.m. already. The trip to the doctor's office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I am sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my robe, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the hamper, put on my clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when the doctor called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My....we've taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?"... but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was getting ready to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another one from the linen closet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink - it had all my glitter and sparkles in it for the dance tonight"

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there -- standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam, how may we help you today ?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is!"

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
1. A Woman
2. A Donkey
3. A Shovel
4. A Fish
5. A Star of David
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said ... I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman."

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

When Men Prefer To Have Sex
A recent survey was conducted to find out when men prefer to have Sex. It was found that 100% of men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T" . Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today and Tomorrow

Why Men Get Out Of Bed
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.

How Men React To Oral Sex
A recent survey was conducted to discover how men react when receiving oral sex.
90% said they enjoyed holding their partner's head during the act.
Of that 90%, 5% said it was to encourage their partners and to show affection;
15% said it was for the feeling of power and control it gives them;
70% said it was to keep from applauding.

George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl, picking up a small piece of matzo ball with some broth. He hesitates, then swallows, and a grin slowly appears on his face. George W. digs in, and quickly finishes off the entire bowl and all of the matzo balls.
"That was delicious," George W. says to his aide. "Do they eat any other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

A little girl comes home after school one afternoon and announces to her mom that one of her school chums told her that day where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replies, "Really sweetie? Well, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explains, "Well....OK....you see, the mommy and daddy first take off all their clothes and then the daddy's thingee, well, it sort of stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth and then it sort of explodes and that's how you get babies."
Her mom shakes her head, smiling, leans over to meet her little daughter, eye-to-eye, and says, "Oh, honey that's sweet but that's not how you get babies....that's how you get jewelery."

X-Rated Pick-Up Lines
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilised?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button . . .from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."
17. I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house?
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead or yield?
22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor? It's a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were one, I'd be coming too.
28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
30. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was the water jug.
31. What do you care what my room looks like? - You'll only see the ceiling!!
32. Hey, I lost my number. Can I have yours?

My Watch Is Fast
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asks.
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!"

The Little Old Lady
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A man had a very strange personal problem, so
he went to the doctor and told him, "Doctor, I have a very strange personal problem."
Said the doctor: "What is it?"
Said the man: "Well you see, Doctor, I have five penises."
Doctor: "Five penises! How do your pants fit?"
Man: "Like a glove!"

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ!

A doctor, a lawyer and a biker were sitting in a bar talking.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night the sailor smuggled her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he took her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. .......Shoulda bought a hat."

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk, "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes, we do have dildos."
"Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

Jim proposed to Sandy.Prior to accepting his proposal, Sandy decided to confess to her man that she had a childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease, as a child, that left her with breasts that stopped maturing at the age of 12 years old. Jim told her that it was OK because he loved her so much. However, he felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.
Jim looked Sandy in her eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
Sandy said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they quickly engaged in some heavy foreplay, No sooner than Sandy put her hands in Jim's trousers to fondle his penis, she removed them and ran from the room screaming!
Jim, somewhat mystified, ran after her. Once he caught up with her he asked, "What's the problem?"
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Jim replied, "It is ... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren," and poof! She's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna," and poof! She's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?"
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.
The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I've only got a scent."
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."
The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."
The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me then!"

Tax Time
The only thing the IRS hasn't taxed yet is the penis. This is due to the fact that:
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed
30% of the time it is hard up
20% of the time it is pissed off
10% of the time it's in the hole
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective January 1, 2011, penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury tax
8"-10" Pole tax
5"-8" Privileged tax
4"-5" Nuisance tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Lesbonics
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

A really fat guy got out of the shower at the health club.
A second guy said, "Gee, you're fat!"
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long time."
The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"
The fat man replied, "Why? What color is it now?"

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?"
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man."Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

A high school English teacher reminds her class about tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there will be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand."

A retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads
for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but, needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

The Queen of England was visiting one of the top hospitals in the USA. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!" said the Queen. "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God!", said the Queen. "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

PENIS WANTS A RAISE
      I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends off nor public holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don't get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,
      After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas where you're neither needed nor wanted.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You'll retire well before reaching 65.
9. You're unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if all that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
      Sincerely, The Management

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked,
Bring food.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring....

Two unemployed men were applying for a job at an ad agency. They both had excellent qualifications for the job. The Manager said, in order to pick the best one for the job, the one that can come up with the best rhyme to end in "Timbucktoo", has the job.
The first man thought for a minute, then said ok.
       "I left on vacation, bags in hand,
       a little apprehensive about crossing the sand,
       the day was clear, the sky was blue,
       destination Timbucktoo."
The second man thought, Damn, that was pretty good, now let me see. Oh, I got it.
       "Me and Tim, a fishin' we went,
       we met three girls campin' in a tent
       there was three of them, and us only two,
       I bucked one, Tim bucked two."
The second man got the job.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes, sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis." he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"Because." replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear." he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.